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Coping with bereavement at Christmas

Published on: 17/12/2024

by Sarah Bell, chaplain

Recently, when meeting with people for bereavement support, I asked them what was on their minds and the universal reply was ‘Christmas’.

When I asked them how they were feeling about it, they reluctantly said they were dreading the festive season – as if it were a terrible, shameful way to feel. They said that it made them feel inadequate – a failure and a misery – because they couldn’t measure up to the expectations of family, friends and society. You may relate to this feeling, and it is a very normal way to feel, whether it is your first year of bereavement or any year thereafter.

It does not make you a misery. You are simply grieving the loss of a special person or perhaps multiple loved ones.

How to grieve at Christmas

More than any other time of year, Christmas is about memories. We’re surrounded by images of happy families and celebration, and the expectation of merriment makes it very difficult to grieve.

Dreading Christmas doesn’t mean that you aren’t thankful or that there won’t be parts of the season that you may enjoy.  It just means you’re apprehensive of the pain that it may bring or how you will cope with others’ expectations.

The pressure at Christmas to be joyous and merry means that you often feel you must put on a brave face.   Masking your true feelings and trying to hold yourself together takes a lot of physical and mental energy.

It can feel like there is no room for grief. This, in turn, can lead to feelings of intense loneliness and isolation – even if you have family and friends around you.

If your loved one has died and you are missing them intensely, it is understandable that you cannot connect with the festivities as you did when your loved one was present. If you enjoyed celebrating Christmas together, you’ll be acutely aware that their absence is everywhere – their absence is loud. The pain and the longing are magnified.

Setting boundaries when you’re grieving

While anniversaries and birthdays can be very painful, they are focused on a specific day. The emotional upheaval tends to span less time. Missing a loved one over the festive season can feel overwhelming due to the prolonged build-up beginning in early November.

Our emotions are heightened over this time as TV adverts, festive lights, decorations and Christmas songs all bring the memories flooding back.

Bereaved people often say to me that they would like to forget or ignore Christmas and you may want to opt out of some of the usual traditions if it feels too difficult.  If you don’t want to put up a Christmas tree, decorations or send cards this year, that’s absolutely fine.

It’s very important that you do only what you feel you can do. Have a good think and even write down what you can manage and not manage this year without feeling that you are letting family or friends down.

Sarah in conversation

New traditions after the death of a loved one

Be honest with yourself, plan ahead and tell those close to you what you can and cannot cope with. You are grieving and if eating curry and watching a boxset is what you can manage, embrace it. Next year may be different, but for now it is how you feel. It may feel difficult to broach this with family but if you communicate honestly with those who care, you can plan the day together.

You may need to get over your desire to please others around you. You are not being selfish, you are protecting your wounded heart. Remember that saying “no” to other people is saying “yes” to yourself and your needs.

If you’re struggling this Christmas time, know that you are not alone. As devastating as it is, there are people who understand, and there are things you can try that will hopefully make the season more bearable.

All of us experience bereavement in different ways and we need to find what helps us best.

Lots of people agonise about writing Christmas cards and how to sign off the card. Signing a single name when you have been a couple for years can feel very painful.

One bereaved man had his wife’s photo printed on small, stamp-sized stickers and put one next to his signature. In this way, he showed that her presence lives on.

Say their name

A family discussion about what traditions or activities you’d like to keep or change can make things easier in years to come. Some people create new traditions – light a candle for their loved one, make a toast to them, share a special memory or photographs, leave an empty chair for them, or go around the table and say a few words about them.

Often people are too scared to upset each other over Christmas, so they avoid mentioning the absent loved one. The truth is that usually others want to talk and share memories too. I’d encourage people to acknowledge and remember their loved one’s life even if it brings tears and sadness – being vulnerable builds intimacy and stronger connections with those closest to you. And who is better to share these precious moments than those who also loved them?

Tips for navigating Christmas in bereavement

💙 Keep honouring your loved one with past rituals, new routines and small dedications

💙 Consider putting up a Christmas tree in honour and celebration of them. Make it a tree full of memories to celebrate the role your loved one played in your life.

💙 If you feel up to it, you could reach out and help others. This has the added benefit of making you feel useful, as well as offering a powerful distraction.

💙 Remember that your grief will change and evolve. There will be other Christmases, so don’t feel under pressure to make this one great.

💙 Some people find it easier to avoid the festive period by travelling abroad. Be aware, however, that this will take you away from your support network.

💙 Don’t be afraid to ask for direct support from people by saying “I am finding Christmas tough and need extra support.”

💙 Limit your alcohol intake. Drinking too much is likely to make things worse.

💙 If you do go to Christmas socials, give yourself an exit strategy. If it goes well, you can always stay longer.

💙 Don’t feel guilty if you smile, laugh or enjoy yourself. Treasure any moments of unexpected joy and happiness you experience and think about how your loved one would have wanted you to carry on with your life.

Additional resources for support this festive season